Inside the Mind of those that suffer with Suicidal Ideation and 10 ways to Cope

The morning brings a harsh awakening from the escape of sleep. Being in the conscious world is a threat, as suicidal thoughts inevitably flood your mind. They can arise without any apparent reason and persist relentlessly, playing over and over in your thoughts. At times, vivid images and plans emerge, and visual horrors of ending one’s life taunt your immediate surroundings. You might be at work or attending a special event, but these thoughts care nothing for what’s happening around you. Instead, they compel you to try warding them off, or to succumb to their relentless onslaught.

The determination these thoughts seem to possess when attacking the brain is unparalleled. It’s as if they want to be there, pushing forward with the tenacity of an unyielding force. Is there anything that compares to it? The only action that comes to mind is complete, unapologetic torture.

Are you sitting there doubting your mind and desperately hoping it will end? Just end it! Stop! Yet, as your anxiety grows, the thoughts only worsen. You begin to wonder if you genuinely want to end your life. Is this me? Is it my depression? You know the only solution is to act on these thoughts and put an end to it. That would at least alleviate the suffering.

Does this sound familiar? Sometimes, I wonder if people who don’t endure this kind of mental anguish truly comprehend the immense struggle. It’s challenging to comprehend how one can feel completely out of control of their mind. Why can’t we simply turn it off? Others might respond, “Well, you don’t want to end your life, so just don’t do it.”

Great, thanks. That’s some good advice. The thing they don’t realize is that you really don’t want those images and plans swirling around your mind and being held captive to them. Because that’s what we all want, right? To be having a good time at a birthday party or something similar and suddenly be ushered away into visions of ending your life. Didn’t think so! I certainly don’t! And I doubt you do either.

What’s wrong with me? The shame can be overwhelming. They say, “If you’re having suicidal thoughts, tell someone; seek help.” Sure, okay…let me just stop and openly tell everyone how I want to end my life as I sit here smiling and opening gifts for the birthday girl. Because that isn’t weird, right? Everyone will think I’m crazy. My therapist might send me to a mental institute. No thanks! So, we suffer in silence, afraid of what might happen as a result of sharing our inner struggle.

That’s how we feel, though. It’s as if we’re ashamed to express our feelings because we’re afraid of being judged by others. We’re afraid of saying we want to end our lives and scaring them, which could lead them to think negatively about us. We’ve all heard the phrase “committing suicide is just selfish,” and it makes us feel guilty for even thinking about it. It’s like we’re burdening others with our thoughts and feelings.

We do feel that way, though our thoughts and illness are a burden. The worry we cause others can seem overwhelming, leading us to remain silent as we work on controlling our thoughts. I completely understand this! It’s heartbreaking to hear someone express a desire to end their life when you know how much they mean to you. I empathize deeply. It’s understandable to feel selfish when someone suggests leaving you. However, it’s important to remember that it’s not about being selfish. It’s not that we don’t love others; it’s truly not about anyone else except the person experiencing the thoughts. I wish more people understood this.

If you’re like me and all this sounds familiar, you know it’s true. The desire to end the turmoil is not selfish at all. Yes, it would hurt others, but that’s not the intention behind wanting the suffering to end.

However, I firmly believe you can work to overcome the taunts in your mind and gain control over them.

How have I coped with suicidal thoughts and overcome them permanently? This is not a quick fix. I struggled with these thoughts for over a decade. Today, I am free from them, but it took a lot of hard work. I want to help you feel less alone because you aren’t. I want to tell you that I hope you can find the strength to live one day at a time. It’s hard, and I know it is! But I can assure you that you can be free! There may be days when the work feels too overwhelming or impossible. I did. I never believed I could one day say I no longer feared feeling suicidal and be free from them. But I can today, and so can you!

Ten Ways to Be Free

Reframe your thoughts: Recognize that you don’t want these thoughts and remind yourself that you want to live, even when you feel indifferent.

Medicate anxiety when thoughts become overwhelming: Take your anxiety medications when the thoughts become too much to bear.

Set achievable goals: Remind yourself that you can accomplish anything for an hour, even if it means surviving and waiting it out. The mind can change remarkably quickly, so try saying, “I can survive for the next ten minutes, the next thirty…” The longer you demonstrate your ability to control your thoughts, the less they will feel like they control you.

Distract yourself: Distraction is the most powerful tool in our technology-driven age. Pull out your phone and engage in a video, movie, or game for at least thirty minutes. Focus solely on that interest until your mind wanders. Then, gently bring your focus back to your device. Eventually, your mind will relax as your attention shifts.

Seek support from a friend: Don’t let shame and guilt keep these thoughts hidden from others. Talk to someone you trust. If you can’t do that, at least call and connect with someone you feel comfortable with. Alternatively, consider calling 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Consult a therapist: If you haven’t already, find a therapist who specializes in understanding these thoughts. While friends and family may not fully comprehend your struggles, therapists are trained to do so. They understand and won’t judge you. Seek someone who truly understands. Worry about being sent to the hospital? Don’t let that hold you back. They know when thoughts are just thoughts and when they’re more realistic actions. Don’t let your fear prevent you from seeking professional help. They understand your desire for help and want to help you end these thoughts. It’s not about needing hospitalization constantly; it’s about learning how to cope with the support of a trained individual.

Write your own suicide safety plan. Yes, write out all your suicidal thought stages. Consider how you feel at each moment. For instance, I had moments where I could easily push away thoughts. I could handle those and remind myself it was okay, pushing through with distraction. That could be phase one. Then, there were times when I couldn’t simply push the thoughts away and knew I needed to take more aggressive action, like sitting in a room with others or calling someone. That’s phase two. If it worsened, I had my plan written for the next step. Take the plan out and see what you told yourself to do next and do it. Phase three could be taking an anxiety medication or taking a nap. If that doesn’t work, reach out to a trusted friend, therapist, or professional, or call 988 and let them know you’re in a more dangerous place. DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO SKIP THIS STEP. It’s scary. I understand. I skipped this step at least 100 times and suffered more because of it. But choosing life means following a plan you want and need. However, you need to be honest with yourself about what you need and commit to the plan. Having a plan can provide comfort if you trust it.

Take time for yourself. I’ve learned that doing things I enjoy actually calms my mind. I tend to watch TV or sleep instead of participating in activities that bring me “joy.” Okay, so “joy” might be an unrealistic word right now, but there are things you do like to do. Do them, even when you might not feel the energy to. It will help calm your mind even if you don’t feel completely joyful while doing it. Think, “I don’t want to, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

Journaling or blogging can be therapeutic. Sometimes, it feels like no one wants to hear what we have to say, and we can feel overwhelmed. However, it’s important to express our feelings. You have you, and writing to yourself can be a powerful way to release emotions. I found that writing down my thoughts and feelings helped me understand them better and identify the root causes of my pain. I even cried while writing at times, but I could go back and see that I had reason to be hurt. It was atrociously sad at times, but it also allowed me to understand the pain on paper and feel less alone. Organizing my thoughts instead of dealing with them only in my mind made it less overwhelming.

My top tip is to have empathy with yourself and believe that you deserve to feel upset and sad. It’s okay to hurt, and it feels incredibly difficult, but if you have reason, let yourself be sad. You don’t have to be “strong” all the time. I know it’s scary to get low and down, but believe me, you might have things in your life that warrant you to feel badly. Empathize with yourself, hug yourself, and realize that you deserve love. You’re not crazy; you’re just hurt. You know better than anyone how hard life has been or is. If no one but you is with you, then you need to see yourself honestly. And that person deserves love, no matter what has happened.

I won’t lie; I wasn’t always great at taking my own advice. Some days, I downright sucked at it. The more I learned to follow the steps, the better I felt each and every day. As I said, it took me years of work. Even if you could do one super well, that’s better than doing none. If I had to pick one for you to master, I would pick telling yourself, “I can do anything for the next 10 to 20 to 30 minutes, and then next, I can do anything for 24 hours. And then go do something else to distract yourself. And then look back and see how you survived that much longer.”

I love you, and I’m sorry if you’re dealing with suicidal thoughts. I understand, and I know you can make it through.